But I was being completely courteous to my friend when I told her I thought she should lighten her skin and straighten her hair. My tone was nothing but a gentle suggestion. I was being nothing but sincere and kind. Why, oh why, would she take offense, when I said something offensive but said it in a nice tone of voice?
I think now is a good time to point out that what you are engaging in is a tone argument, a classic derailing tactic meant to serve as a red herring to detract from the issue at hand. The fact of the matter is, it is rude, insensitive, insulting, offensive, and most importantly, SCIENTIFICALLY INCORRECT to presume you know someone’s health status based on their appearance. How they respond to your comments really doesn’t change the fact that it is rude, insensitive, insulting, offensive, and most importantly, SCIENTIFICALLY INCORRECT to make such comments in the first place. My, or anyone else’s, response to your comments are completely irrelevant. The important thing is, you had absolutely zero grounds to make such comments to begin with.
Also? People have a certain degree of responsibility to educate themselves on things like social graces and social issues. And certainly if you make it a habit to go around giving health advice to friends, family, and possibly even strangers, I would hope that you are conscientious enough to do your homework before you start lecturing people. That being said, I do not think it is the responsibility of the people whom you, whether intentionally or not, offend, to educate you. You are a grown up. You are fully capable of figuring this stuff out for yourself. No one else is responsible for making sure that you have been sufficiently educated so that you know not to make comments about things that are rude and none of your business.