We have a lot of conversations around masculinity now since kid #1 is pubescent. At not quite 12 he’s starting to feel his way through what kind of man he wants to be and having parents that he feels he can talk to is helpful, but occasionally traumatic for all concerned. We’ve talked about sex, drugs, booze, and money at various points over the last few years. All those conversations were tough but the “Don’t be a rapist” convo was possibly the most awkward of my life.
When the story first broke about the 11 year old girl being assaulted in Texas he asked me about it. Why? Well he’s 11 and he has a ton of 11 year old female friends. Since we’ve been pretty open about the mechanics of sex he was upset & confused at the idea of a girl like one of his friends being forced to “do it” with anyone, much less with a group of strangers.
After the initial conversation about why rape happens, and a discussion of the harm it can do, I left the door open for him to bring any other questions to me or his father. Over the last few months we’ve talked about kinds of rape as he’s seen them mentioned on the news (date, stranger, corrective, etc.) and why people blame the victims. Lately, the conversation has turned to stuff like Slut Walks & how telling women to live a certain way in order to avoid being raped doesn’t do anything to stop rape.
He’s having conversations with his Dad of the “No means no”, “Alcohol, emotional upset, drugs, etc. can impair judgment”, & “Don’t hang out with guys that think a girl has to be convinced to have sex” variety. At one point during the course of these conversations I got a little worried about whether the topics were too heavy for him. Then I had a chat with the mother of his best female friend who reminded me that this is the age where girls start talking about it, because this is when the warnings about how to behave to avoid trouble really start pouring in as their bodies start changing. So, I guess if the topic isn’t too heavy for his female friends it isn’t too heavy for him either. Is it okay if it feels too heavy for me right now?
I think it’s awesome that you’re having these conversations with your son, even if they make you feel uncomfortable. I wish more parents would. :)
I just have to add: the first time I got the sex talk, I was 8 years old, watching a Lifetime movie with my mom. The movie was about a woman who was raped in her childhood (oh, Lifetime), and when I started asking my mom about what that word meant, she just told me. I got all of the details about sex, rape, consent, contraceptives. I was too young to understand some of it, but now, I really appreciate how frank my mother was with me. It prepared me for a lot of conversations that would come later, and also helped me trust my mom with talking about sex, which was really important especially when I was a teenager. I think it’s good to have these conversations with your children, and especially to start having them with your kids before they start having them with their friends (and at 11, I can guarantee that if those conversations haven’t already started, they will be soon.)
So. I really applaud you and your husband for doing this with your son. I think it’s amazing, and in the long run, will be healthy and positive for him and for the women around him. :)